Partnership or Martyrship

By Craig Toach

Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies. The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.

- Proverbs 31:10 -

The Beginning - Dating

We have had a couple of messages that have been preached in this ministry covered by my wife Colette, dealing with the prophetic child and prophetic ministry in marriage. And it has taught a lot of you, and given a new insight into where your children, who have been called to a calling in a ministry role are going, not only in the prophetic arena. Not only that, she gave a good insight into how a partner should act towards another one especially when in a leading role between the couples.

I would now like to show you what it is like from the other end of the stick. I have entitled it, which I thought was quite apt and of the Lord, "Partnership or Martyrship", because that is what marriage could be couldn’t it. I mean, just think about it. You have those days where you just love your wife, then you have those days when you love them to bits and bits… (You know what I mean).

I think though, what I would like to do now is start off where all marriages start don’t they? It is the courting arena, where everyone is vying for each other’s attention, and you are trying so hard to impress everyone. You know, it gets to a stage where if you are not careful, you don’t know who you are, never mind the person who you are supposed to be going out with.

That is what happened in the arena that I was in at the time. I was unsaved, so a lot of you who are saying, "Oh, but I wasn’t there," can actually see that I was not born again and in a family that was serving the Lord. I was actually on the other end of the scale, the far end of the pendulum.

What actually happened is I was working at a restaurant as a waiter, just trying to earn money so I would have enough to go out to the clubs at night whenever I could go, and to buy my cigarettes and have enough for beers. Then along came this ‘hot piece of goods’ that I thought was just too good. She was a little bit pushy I might add, and unlike some of the other women I had been going out with at the time.

Cornerstone was Honesty

She came to me and was quite direct, and I thought, "Okay, I haven’t handled this before!" But one thing I must admit is, it was the cornerstone of our marriage that started the whole ball rolling, and that was the directness and the honesty which started at that point in time.

You know, Colette and my courtship started with that honesty. We said, "This is it. This is the line, and this is where it goes. This is where I want to be. This is where I want this courtship to go, and if so, it will go into marriage."

And for the first time in my life I could actually say, "I know where I’m going." I did not have to put on the big fat act I was in at the time – long hair, macho, "I can do this," attitude. I could be myself. I could be the soft, tender self that my mom knew, and my dog knew. I could be myself, not the guy that walked down the street and if I asked someone for the time they would run away in fear.

Be Yourself

I think that is where a lot of marriages either make it or break it in those courting years, because people put up such a false front that they can never live up to, and it is where a lot of problems could start in a marriage. How many people do you know today who looked like the perfect couple, who you thought would be growing old together and would have to have a double tombstone for when they died, because they were going to go out together?

But what happens? You hear these scary statistics where people are married for two months and they are breaking up and getting divorced. I can honestly say, that honesty was there with Colette and I, and that true commitment, because the Lord bound us together.

Later on the Lord zapped me with the anointing of Les’s guitaring. It brought that honesty and it brought the Lord in, and cemented us as a three-fold cord. There were three cords – my wife, myself and the Lord. And He has tightened us together so that at times we cannot be split. And as I share I am going to, under the leading of the Lord, show you what I have learned, and what I feel you can too.

A Balance

I like to look at our marriage as a partnership, because that is what it is. It is not just a sacred union between a man and a wife, but it is a partnership, because where I fail, my wife covers for me. If we look in the natural, I might not be good at money matters, but she may be. And she might not be good with speaking in general, because I know a lot of the time, although she looks like she has it together, sometimes she puts her foot in it and I have to ease the waters.

So we have come to learn this partnership, and this is where we have to base this from, the partnership that we are getting to. It is the partnership where you are being joined together. You have signed that piece of paper that says, "I love you. I’m going to be with you for the rest of my life. Let’s start a business together," because that is what you are doing. You are starting a home, and you are starting this future with each other.

Skeletons in the Closet

Now there is one problem that I think starts with all marriages, and that is walls. There are walls and little secrets that we try to hide from each other. There are little skeletons in the closet that say, "You know what? Now that I’m married to this person I really don’t want to tell them this, because they do not need to know. They don’t need to know because it is just too hurtful, or they might lose trust in me."

As a result we cannot unite with our partner correctly can we? I have found that even though Colette and I had honesty, there were hurts from the past that I did not know that I had. And through our mentor, Les, he was able to expose it and show us where we could unite and let go of things; where past relationships were affecting our marriage that otherwise we would never have noticed.

Love the Key

And of course, there is the love. It is a love that has caused Colette and I to go through the hardest times of our lives, where if the Lord and that true love was not with us I can truly say that we would not be together today. We have had our rough times, but I tell you something, that love and commitment that the Lord has put in both of us, to each other and to Him, has kept us together.

Now I would like you to think back on when you first got married, and when you first got together, and the dreams and aspirations that you had together. Think back on your wife or your husband and think back on all the lovely times you have had together. Forget the hardship. You know, there is too much hardship in the world these days. Look to the glory and the love that was there when it began and see if you still have that little fire going, because I know that it is there.

Roles in Marriage

What I would like to do here is just go through the roles. You know this, the roles that the Bible says that we should have in marriage.

Husbands – No Domination

The husband is to be the head and the covering. The Lord showed me once an interesting thing. It says, "Man should be lord over his house." And the world has taken that to such an extent, it hurts me sometimes. I think the correct term was ‘lords’. But what happens? You think about lording authority over people. You are pushing them down, you are crunching them, you are hurting them.

But I like the ‘Lord’ part, because if you think of the Lord, it is Jesus. And if any of you have had a personal relationship with the Lord, you do not even have to have had it, you just need to have read the Bible. But the Lord never ever pushed and never squashed people. He was there to love them, He was there to encourage them, and He was there to show them the right way to go.

And husbands far too often look at this, as the head and the covering, as an excuse to manipulate, push and squash their wives down to little nothings. They are in control and the wife must run round after them. You know what guys? You are missing it. You are missing it badly. I sort of tried this when I first got married, because I think you get a power high you know.

You say, "I’ve got to do this you know. My dad was a man’s man so I must be a man’s man," and you just want to squash your wife. "She must be there at my beck and call."

I learned though through the love of the Lord that I don’t need to be like that. I need to be like Jesus. And I can get far more out of everybody than being like the world.

Wives – Submission Because of Love

Now wives, what are they supposed to be? Well, they are supposed to be in submission and be a support, not in rebellion. Well, Women’s Libers think, "Oh no! He’s trying to squash us. We’ve got to be in control."

But I can honestly tell you that my wife has control over me because the love that we have means she can manipulate me. I hate to say this verbally, but she has ways and means of manipulating me. When I really do not want to do something she can manipulate it out of me and I fall for it every time.

So because there is this relationship where I love my wife and I show support, and show her the love that she needs, she naturally comes into submission under me. Why? Because there is love. I do not have to push myself, because she knows that if she doesn’t do it, it is something that is going to hurt me in a sense. And it means that if it is hurting me it is hurting her, because she wants to do everything she can for me.

Role in Ministry

Then we come to the ministry role and it says, "The man should be under submission of the Lord."

Husbands Must Lead

You know Colette has been with the Lord and has been born again since she was a little girl. But what we have found is that no matter how many times we come into prayer and seek the Lord and seek His face in intercession and prayer together it comes down to this; at the end of the day I am in control, not in the control that you are thinking about. It comes down to where I have to seek the Lord and see where He is leading us.

Do not Compete

Colette is far above when it comes to times of prayer. She can push through, and she has a lot of the time given such valid counsel and she is such a powerful person in the prophetic realm. And I tell you something, some days there is no ways I can even get close. But you know what? I don’t even want to come close, because I am not her.

I think that is partly where a marriage fails when it comes to ministry, too. We try and match what our partners are doing, don’t we? She would bring a prophecy, so I must bring a prophecy. She brings out a daily word, so I must bring out a daily word. She brings out a person who has been held in bondage for so long, and the tendency is there for me to want to do the same.

I found that I tried that in the beginning when we started moving into ministry. I was trying to compete with her head and head. And you know what? I was bumping my head more than anything else. I just could not make it. I would try and write an article and it would flunk. It would be cottonwool in my mouth. I would try and preach and that would just flunk. You name it, I tried everything to be with her, until it got to the stage where I thought, "There is no ways I can compete, so what is it worth? Why should I?"

I tried to pull out, but I’m afraid the Lord said, "No ways, mate. I put you together and you’re going to be a ministry team, and you are not going to sit on the sideline and watch your wife. You’re going to join in."

Put your Eyes on the Lord

So through the time that I spent with Him, took my eyes off what my wife was doing and stopped trying to compete with her, He started showing me the little gems that He wanted me to progress in. He showed me new little areas where I could compete in my own right, not with her, but alone in intercession. I could compete with the Devil and win hands down every time. I could kick his butt every time without fail, because you know why? The Lord empowered me, and He gave me a new area to operate in.

Be a Backing

Then I could support my wife in the Spirit, because that is what He wanted me to do, and I was not competing. I was not trying to say, "I’m better than you because I can do this." I was supporting her. And you know what? I saw her ministry start to evolve. I saw her starting to move up into new areas. And I do not want to toot my own horn, but I dare say that it was because I started letting her go.

I started saying to her, "You know what? The Lord is leading you. I’m going to back you. I’m going to be there for you."

Now guys, I want to ask you, "Are you doing that for your wife?"

It is so easy for a man to want to be in control, and so like a man to be manipulative and want his way. I mean, I remember when we first started off it was a case of, "You can serve the Lord, as long as I have clean clothes and dinner at 4.00 o’clock, and as long as the cable is connected, I don’t care what happens after that."

Will you Give it Up?

What happens if that interferes with what the Lord is calling her to do? Are you prepared to give that up? I mean, there is a common saying, "Would you give your life for your wife?" And a man without a blink would say, "Yes I would." Well, how about giving up cable for your wife? How about giving up clean socks for your wife? Maybe I am pushing it here, but is the Lord not that important that you can wear dirty socks or no socks?

The Lord gave His life for us. Should you not in turn be giving that back, not only to the Lord, but to your wife? Should you not be looking in any way to push your wife ahead of you so that you can try and help not only the Kingdom of God, but your wife to reach the level that the Lord has called her to be?

Stand With Them

Well, what are the problems? I have dealt with some of them, but I want to go through them again. Are you standing with your wife or your partner? I have just said that, but I cannot stress it enough. It burns in me. Are you standing with them? Are you giving them the space and time they need to do what they are called to do? If they are called to intercessory burden, are you giving them the time or the space to do it, or are you coming in and telling them, "No you cannot do that, get out of the way and let’s carry on with what I want to do."? Are you doing that?

If they are in late night chats trying to help somebody who is in bondage, who is hurting, who is needing to be set free, are you sitting there behind her and saying, "It’s okay, lovey I don’t mind. Go for it. If there’s anything I can do, let me go and do it for you."

Now I’m not just saying that from a husband to a wife, I’m saying that from a wife to a husband too. Are you doing that for your husbands? It is a two-way thing. It is never one or the other.

Sacrificial Giving

You know, it has come to a stage in our marriage where I am prepared to do everything that a woman is supposed to do, and I might get crucified for saying that. But it has come to the point where it is important that the Lord comes first. And if that means bathing the children so that my wife can preach, I am going to do that.

So often we look to ourselves and we look for self-gain and say, "I’m being done down and this is not fair, so I’m not going to do it. That’s it." You fail the Kingdom of God, because you are so hurt by your own needs that you fail to see the glory of the Lord.

Solutions

Now I want to look at solutions to this problem. There are so many things that pull us apart, don’t they? I mean, there are more that I have not covered, but you can think of them in your own marriage. Go through all the troubles and the hurts that you have experienced and you will see for yourself. I have come to a few little solutions here that have brought Colette and I together and brought us into that new realm. The key is praying together. I bet you did not expect that one did you?

Unite Spiritually

How many times have you, husband and wife, got together and had a time together with the Lord, praying, reading from the Scriptures, interceding, I don’t care, anything to do with the Lord. How many times have you guys done it? Can you count it on one hand? I found when we started praying together, that is when the greatest release came in our marriage and in our spiritual life. Why? What happened?

Well, I came to pray, and I got a confidence praying for my wife that I did not have before. Not only that, through prayer, I came to realize where I was branching off. I realized, "Hang on a minute. She’s flowing one way, but I’m kind of taking a different leading. It’s the same thing. We are praying about the same way, but I have a different leading that is supporting her."

Find Your Niche

I found my new niche. I found out, "Aha, I get the feel now. Okay, she’s doing this, but she’s lacking a bit there, so I can cover her there …" and we walked as a team.

It came to a point where slowly but surely the team would begin to pray for each other. Someone might be battling and the Lord would lead Colette and I together to pray for a member. We would sit there and Colette would wait. There would be a check in the Spirit. She would be holding back, and I would feel the Lord saying, "Go forth. Speak in tongues. Set the ground, get it ready. Till the soil."

I would do that. I would be tilling and I would be halfway through, getting into the flow, and the Lord would say, "Okay shh!" I would stop, and Colette would get a revelation of inner hurts or something like that. It would start flowing.

Colette covered it as well, when with the Lord she started a dance. It was like a dance in the Spirit. They were moving this way and that way and we were swinging together. And I tell you something, we were able in our own times to find hurts of the past that were not taken care of yet that we could release within each other.

It gave me a confidence to say, "Hang on a minute, I can do this." It gave me a confidence to say, "When I prayed for her and she was having an asthma attack, when I prayed the asthma would cease."

It gave me the confidence and the boldness to think, "You know what? The Word is true. It says that if I pray concerning anything, I will have the victory."

It built such a confidence and such unity between us that it is unbreakable. It is unbreakable, because if we have a fight it does not matter, because that unity that we have formed in the prayer times has held us together.

Transformation by the Word

What also helped was getting into the Word. I started letting go of my ungodly principles. I grew up with principles that I was so steadfast on that I was not going to let go. But through getting into the Word the Lord revealed through rhema words, that what I thought was so important was actually against what the Lord was trying to do in my life. I was stumbling and falling with these ungodly principles. It was not letting the flow of my spirit come right, and it was not letting our marriage come right.

Once I had seen it, it was so easy to let go of. I could let go of it instantly. I knew that the Lord was there and He was helping me. And my wife was there in prayer and in the Word, backing me.

Conclusion

So now in conclusion I want to ask you to start looking into your own hearts. See where you are missing it, because I can vouch that there are places where you can let go of a few things, and there are places where you know you are not quite stepping in line. I am not going to do it to try and cause judgements on you and cause condemnation. But I tell you now, if you do that, from my own experience, I know you will have a new freedom that will break forth from you.

Work as a Team

You will find that the very thing that has been holding you to the new spiritual plane that you are looking for is so easy to let go of. Start working as a team. The Lord has called you to be a team. Start working as that team. Why would He have brought you together if you were to go on opposite ends or to push each other down? Work as the team that He is asking you to be.

Know Strengths and Weaknesses

The enemy has done such great things in the world to persecute marriage. Like I said, the divorce rates are scary in the world. Break that right now, because the Lord has called you together as a team and you can work it out. You can work through any problem, and you can be that team that the Lord has asked you to be. Find out each other’s strengths and weaknesses and work towards it. Work towards helping your wife with what weakness she has. Help her to overcome it and let it become a strength. And where you know that you can be a strength for her, let it be.

And do not be so proud as to think that you do not have any weaknesses. Don’t be so proud as to think, "I’m the man and I have no weaknesses, and I’m going to sort everything out," because you are missing it. You are missing it badly. My wife can be a strength to me at times, and I can be her strength at times when she needs it.

Build Up

One thing that will pull your marriage together is building each other up. How easy is it to pull each other down? How easy is it to say a bad thing? How easy is it to show all their weaknesses and hurt them and show them where they are failing? But how hard it is at times to put something good in them; to say, "You know what, lovey? I’m impressed with you. You know that word you put out? It ministered to me. Hey, I know you are going through a tough time, but you know what, the Lord is going to pull you out of it, and there is going to be a new level for you."

The Lord was There

Guys, look at each other now and think back on all your good times, and think back on all the things you have done in your life and blessed each other with, and you will see the Lord there in it. And you will rise to a new level. You will be a partnership, not a martyrship.